Everything you need to know about babies
It seems like a lot of folks I know are having their first kids. Ben is 18 months old at this point. That makes him my second longest surviving pet (sorry, Mr. Hamster).
I was the youngest kid and we didn’t live near any extended family. As a result, my first experience with a baby was with my own. That was pretty intimidating. I thought it might be nice to share some of my extensive baby raising wisdom with those of you who may also not have much experience in the field. BEHOLD THE BULLETED LIST OF BABY INFORMATION!!
Babies are insane – Having a baby is like letting an angry drunken midget live in your house. He’s subject to violent mood swings (angry outbursts followed by intense affection) often involving stamping his little feet and shaking his fist at god. Get comfortable with this premise, and it becomes a lot more clear how to deal with them.
You cannot reason with a baby – You may see tree hugging hippy parents at the mall explaining to a one year old why they shouldn’t scream and/or steal things. These parents are dumb. Little guys neither have the language skills to understand you nor do they give a shit. They are like tiny little Mussolini’s flailing and pontificating in a language I don’t speak, and are not easily swayed from their set course of action.
Most baby books are useless – There is an entire industry built around separating frazzled/clueless new parents from their money. There is, however, one DVD every new parent should own: Happiest Baby on the Block. This DVD is worth its weight in gold as it represents the difference between the endless hell of a baby that does not sleep and one that does. Live it! LOVE IT! Ben was doing 12 hours a night after a few months.
You are no longer in control of your own schedule – Little guys thrive on structure. They like schedules. Unfortunately, their schedule will never ever jive with yours. Whatever it is you would like to do, it conflicts with naps, feedings, playdates, you name it. He’s in the drivers seat. You are a glorified houseboy.
Changing diapers never gets easier – Seldom does a week go by where changing a diaper doesn’t make me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. Ben is on a pretty steady diet. Things don’t change that much. So I have no idea why there is such staggering variety in his poops. They are a veritable rainbow of fecal horror spanning such spectrums as color, fragrance, and texture. I find the ones that look like chopped parsley to be the most frightening. I mean, where the hell is he even getting parsley?!?!
Curious George is like Thorazine for babies – It’s kind of amazing the zombifying effects this cartoon has on kids. Ben goes from crazy baby to the thousand yard stare in about 30 seconds. Without Curious George, I would not be writing this blog post. George is actually quite watchable with some strong one-liners:
“Girls and monkeys think a lot alike.”
“There are some things a monkey just can’t explain to a wiener dog.”
“Feeding ducks is like a relaxing brain massage.”
I can’t wonder if Ben is going to be fixated on William H. Macy for years to come (he narrates the series).
Your baby is not the cutest, smartest, most curious, etc – It only seems that way because he’s yours. Nature has wired you to feel this way so you’re less likely to sell him to the gypsies. And, unfortunately for all of you, the truth is that Ben is cuter than your baby.
This represents the extent of my baby knowledge. Good luck out there.
