It's Steve (now in blog form)

If you’re like me, you’ve noticed the recent trend of animals wearing underwear.  I, for one, think this sort of behavior is immoral if not criminal (I refer you to Leviticus 47:13-17 “And if thou should keep the law, the fashioning of undergarments for the beasts of the field shall be deemed unclean. Especially for pigs”).  Just look what has been turning up in my neighborhood!

This is a poodle running amok in the park flaunting his ass-less chaps. Disgraceful. (Note: It was pointed out to me that if chaps had an ass they would be pants.  While I understand this, ass-less chaps is fun to say).

Let’s all take a moment to contemplate the meaning of this sign. “In stock now! SQUIRREL UNDERPANTS.”  Were they previously unavailable?  Is it important for the squirrel to conceal his shameful swimsuit region?  Why the hell is the frog so happy about this?  

Forget the threat of gay marriage people.  There is a war against traditional, wholesome Christian values in this country and the front lines are manned by the animal lingerie peddlers.  Do you want your children growing up in an America where goats and ducks sport tasteful lacy panties with tiny bows and a little lace round the leg to accentuate curve of the hip?!?  I didn’t think so.  Feel free to write you congressman or local conservative AM talk radio host.  Spread the word!

It may just be my tinfoil hat paranoia talking, but I’m concerned about the spread of plastic cows in West Los Angeles.  Sure, no one gives it a second thought when a life-size plastic cow turns up outside of a steakhouse or butcher shop.  And we were willing to assume that the family down the street from me was just quirky/insane when they put one on their roof.  But things are starting to get out of hand.

I was cruising through a normal residential neighborhood when I spotted this.

That’s right, another yard overrun by a full sized plastic cow.  This can only mean one thing: there’s a plastic cow hive somewhere in West LA.  Try to stay calm.  In the event you should encounter a free range plastic cow:

• Verify that the cow is indeed plastic.  This can be tested by striking the cow repeatedly in the skull with a hammer.  If your karma is irrevocably ruined, then the cow was not plastic.
• Do not approach the plastic cow.
• Flag down the nearest plastic rancher or cowboy.
• Do not invite them into your yard or house (standard vampire rules apply).
• Do not attempt to eat the plastic cow.

Hopefully we will be able to locate the queen and squelch this menace before it’s too late.

How many times am I going to have to repeat myself about this?  Ok, one more time for those of you who haven’t been listening.  If you’re going to smuggle animals on long international flights, your pants are not the best place to hide them.  See how simple a concept that is?

A while back I covered a man with his britches full of monkeys.  Now we’ve got pigeons.  Wow.

Australian man caught with pigeons in trousers
MELBOURNE (AFP) – An Australian man was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his trousers as he got off a flight from the Middle East, authorities said Tuesday.  [read full story]

It’s Wednesday and I’ve haven’t been posting much lately.  Here are some pics to tide you over.

This makes me unbelievably happy/jealous.

The cow goes moo.  The pig goes oink.  The giraffe goes “This pent up existence, although nutritionally stable and predator free, is no substitute for the endless vistas of the savannah.  Oh how I long for the taste of the mighty acacia once again on my lips or the feel of the wind as it ripples through the seas of long grass.  Alright, time to poop for the tourists.”

I’ve lived in some pretty crappy neighborhoods.  The new joint we’re living in is in arguably the best neighborhood I’ve been able to call home.  In my old neighborhoods, you would get the occasional infestation (rats, crack heads, gang bangers, Jehovah’s Witnesses).  Rich people appear to be susceptible giant fake cow infestations. 

This house is just down the street from me and it’s making me crazy.  I’m waking up in the middle of the night thinking about this house and it’s cow.  Why does he have a full size fake cow on his roof?  What does it mean? Where can I get one of these?  I know, deep in my heart, that it won’t be long before I have to bang on his door and get some answers.

The good- After the rain passes, LA sometimes has moments when it’s crystal clear.  At those moments, it’s really very beautiful.

The bad- I came across this in the grocery store a couple of days ago (yeah, I take my camera everywhere now).  Just thinking about this stuff makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.  First, how lazy do you have to be for the standard mac and cheese recipe to be overly burdensome? Second, bacon flavoring? Take that, middle America.

The squirrelly- I’ve got squirrels in my trash can.  This is a combination of cute and horrifying.  It turns out that the squirrels in this part of LA carry the bubonic plague.  Stupid plague squirrels.