www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdrR3Jvo43k

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One thing I take especially seriously as a parent is hygiene and home sanitization.  Consider this series of events.

Madi gets a treat

She shows it to the dog

You can have a bite, Mr. Doggie

I’ll finish it, nom nom nom…

When you talk to most parents about what it’s like having kids, they’ll tell you that it’s a beautiful and fulfilling experience. That’s not a lie, exactly. It’s like that sometimes, but that description does exclude a lot of the truth.

Let me preface this with the fact that I love my kids and am so glad I have them around, but, short of working in a slaughterhouse or public sanitation, I think folks are utterly unprepared for the amount of bodily fluids they’re going to have to contend with while raising children. Let me paint you a picture of this morning.

I’m having a nice Saturday morning at home with the family. My boy was watching cartoons and I was bouncing the baby and snuzzling her belly to make her giggle. That’s when things when horribly horribly wrong. The moment when I realized she had puked on the top of my head was when I went blind. This was initially a result of it running down my glasses, but soon the burning effect of semi-digested formula on my corneas has shut vision down entirely. I was still holding the baby over my head so I decided it was time to holler for help.

Still blind, I could hear my wife coming from the kitchen. My hope was that she would either relieve me of the baby or at least wipe my face off. Instead, all I heard was footsteps heading in the wrong direction. My brief optimism that she’d gone in search of a towel was dashed as I began to see the camera flashes through my closed eye lids. My further attempts to request assistance were squelched by a combination of her laughter and the fact that the vomit had run into my mouth (Note: if you have a baby’s vomit in your mouth, do not attempt to breathe through your nose. The rest of the day will be spent with everything smelling like baby vomit). Eventually, the baby was taken and I got to spend some alone time in the shower wondering if I could ever really get clean again.

So kids, if you’re out there thinking, “I’m gonna have a baby because it will (a) love me, (b) fix my relationship, and/or (c) give me an awesome tax deduction”, remember that the truth involves a lot more vomit than you’d imagine.

Ben’s preschool put on a Christmas performance on Friday.  It was adorable.  His class had worked up an elaborate routine that involved randomly shaking bells while Jingle Bell Rock played.  There was also some screaming, crying, and wandering away.  3 year olds are great.  Check out all the pics here.

Ben got some sweet Buzz Lightyear pj’s.

Guess who thinks he’s Superman.

Madi is getting really cute.  She’s got smiling down and is working on giggling.  Right now, it still mostly sounds like she has indigestion.

Ben is not a good hider.  He grasped the concept of hide and go seek yesterday, but he doesn’t seem to get what constitutes a good hiding spot.  His best hiding spots included: under a pillow, covering his face in the shower, and putting a towel over his head.  Check out the full series of pics.

Kim is a ninja.

Ben helped decorate the Christmas tree.  He had a great time and the tree is nicely decorated up to about two and a half feet.  Good job, buddy.

We took Ben to Disneyland again the other day (I love having passes).  He got into the characters for the first time.  It was really cute.  Madi was really digging the Baby Bjorn.

Ben has been really into helping Kim bake lately.  Here’s muffin day.

Ok, I think that’s about it.  At this rate, there will be another post in about a month.

I don’t drive much and I like palindromes.  After 5 years my car just hit 22,222 miles. Hurray!

Cirque du Soleil is in town with their show Kooza.  It’s just amazing. Here’s a picture of their giant circus tent.  As the show was starting I realized that Harrison Ford was sitting about 50 feet in front of us.  He narrowly avoided a serious accosting.  He should consider himself lucky that his seat was in the middle of the row, denying me easy access to harass him and run away.

Madi has started smiling.  It’s a good thing as it helps to counterbalance her almost superhuman ability to vomit.

Disneyland is a pretty accurate reflection of the American population at large.  They appear to have a poor handle on the effectiveness of camouflage.

“Don’t worry, I’m a ninja.” You bet you are, buddy.

Ben got invited to ride in the cockpit of the Disneyland monorail.  Having kids gets you into all sorts of exciting places.

This is basically the universal view as a parent.

I sure hope this guy is a podiatrist.

It’s exhausting being 2.

Here’s a merekat.

You are now caught up.

Note to parents: try not to feel bad when you eventually realize that she is superior to all other babies. It’s not your fault.