It's Steve (now in blog form)

It may just be my tinfoil hat paranoia talking, but I’m concerned about the spread of plastic cows in West Los Angeles.  Sure, no one gives it a second thought when a life-size plastic cow turns up outside of a steakhouse or butcher shop.  And we were willing to assume that the family down the street from me was just quirky/insane when they put one on their roof.  But things are starting to get out of hand.

I was cruising through a normal residential neighborhood when I spotted this.

That’s right, another yard overrun by a full sized plastic cow.  This can only mean one thing: there’s a plastic cow hive somewhere in West LA.  Try to stay calm.  In the event you should encounter a free range plastic cow:

• Verify that the cow is indeed plastic.  This can be tested by striking the cow repeatedly in the skull with a hammer.  If your karma is irrevocably ruined, then the cow was not plastic.
• Do not approach the plastic cow.
• Flag down the nearest plastic rancher or cowboy.
• Do not invite them into your yard or house (standard vampire rules apply).
• Do not attempt to eat the plastic cow.

Hopefully we will be able to locate the queen and squelch this menace before it’s too late.

I’ve lived in some pretty crappy neighborhoods.  The new joint we’re living in is in arguably the best neighborhood I’ve been able to call home.  In my old neighborhoods, you would get the occasional infestation (rats, crack heads, gang bangers, Jehovah’s Witnesses).  Rich people appear to be susceptible giant fake cow infestations. 

This house is just down the street from me and it’s making me crazy.  I’m waking up in the middle of the night thinking about this house and it’s cow.  Why does he have a full size fake cow on his roof?  What does it mean? Where can I get one of these?  I know, deep in my heart, that it won’t be long before I have to bang on his door and get some answers.