http://shitmykidsruined.com

When you talk to most parents about what it’s like having kids, they’ll tell you that it’s a beautiful and fulfilling experience. That’s not a lie, exactly. It’s like that sometimes, but that description does exclude a lot of the truth.

Let me preface this with the fact that I love my kids and am so glad I have them around, but, short of working in a slaughterhouse or public sanitation, I think folks are utterly unprepared for the amount of bodily fluids they’re going to have to contend with while raising children. Let me paint you a picture of this morning.

I’m having a nice Saturday morning at home with the family. My boy was watching cartoons and I was bouncing the baby and snuzzling her belly to make her giggle. That’s when things when horribly horribly wrong. The moment when I realized she had puked on the top of my head was when I went blind. This was initially a result of it running down my glasses, but soon the burning effect of semi-digested formula on my corneas has shut vision down entirely. I was still holding the baby over my head so I decided it was time to holler for help.

Still blind, I could hear my wife coming from the kitchen. My hope was that she would either relieve me of the baby or at least wipe my face off. Instead, all I heard was footsteps heading in the wrong direction. My brief optimism that she’d gone in search of a towel was dashed as I began to see the camera flashes through my closed eye lids. My further attempts to request assistance were squelched by a combination of her laughter and the fact that the vomit had run into my mouth (Note: if you have a baby’s vomit in your mouth, do not attempt to breathe through your nose. The rest of the day will be spent with everything smelling like baby vomit). Eventually, the baby was taken and I got to spend some alone time in the shower wondering if I could ever really get clean again.

So kids, if you’re out there thinking, “I’m gonna have a baby because it will (a) love me, (b) fix my relationship, and/or (c) give me an awesome tax deduction”, remember that the truth involves a lot more vomit than you’d imagine.

Rancho Park Archery Range - This is one of the hidden gems in LA.  You’d never guess that there is an archery range right in the middle of Century City.  Swing by any Saturday at 11AM and get a free lesson on how to properly shoot a bow from the range’s helpful coaches (I’m one of them).  Kids need to be 8 to attend the course and use range equipment.   Complete the free course and you’re welcome to come 10 to noon on Saturdays or noon to 2 on Sundays for open shooting.  Open shooting and use of the range’s equipment is also free.  Awesome way to get outside without leaving the city.  Here’s a map. The range is at the end of the road that goes into the middle of the park just south of Pico off of Motor.

The Getty Villa – The giant Getty Center is cool.  The smaller Getty Villa is way cooler.  J. Paul Getty used a healthy chunk of his oil money to build a Roman villa in Malibu to hold his Greek and Roman collection.  It’s based on villas unearthed in Pompeii.  The Villa is just an amazing place with incredible art.  This is a must if you like classical architecture or sculpture.  You need to reserve tickets and parking ahead of time here.

The Los Angeles Zoo – I’m probably biased on this one.  I really like zoos.  What could be more fun than seeing an elephant?  Try petting a goat.  Oh yeah, they got goat petting.  Not the best zoo I’ve been to by any means, but the kids should have a good time.  Here’s Ben romping around.  Note: Beware of the tram which has a ridiculous  height requirement.  Tantrums may ensue.

Travel Town – This place is just genius.  It’s basically a parking lot for old trains that you can climb on.  If you have a little boy, you realize that this will make his head explode in a combination of glee and overstimulation.  They also have birthday parties on the train cars.  It’s just down the road from the zoo in Griffith Park so you can hit them both in one day.  The also have a small scale train that you can ride.  Be sure to take two adults since you’ll be handing the kids up and down from the engines.  No good way to do this one as a solo parent.  Ben really liked it there.

Lucha Vavoom - Lucha Vavoom isn’t a permanent attraction in LA, but is something you should experience at least once when they come to town.  It’s a subtle combination of Mexican Lucha Libre wrestling and burlesque in the amazing Mayan Theater.  Highlights of previous shows include Mexican wrestling midgets, a very naughty Snow White striptease, acrobatic wrestlers dressed as chickens, and a guy who manages to go from a three piece suit to his jockeys while bouncing on a pogo stick.  Throw in multiple bars set up throughout the theater and have the guy that does the voice for Spongebob Squarepants announce, and you’ve got hipster gold.  Get a sitter and go see something bizarre.

The Museum of Jurassic Technology – This is not  your standard museum.  It’s concealed in a strip mall and pretty difficult to find even if you’re looking for it.  Once inside, exhibits are alternately ludicrous and wondrous.  The last time I went they had an exhibit of flower x-rays.  The inventor of the modern x-ray machine spent the later years of his life creating 3-d stereoscope x-rays of flowers.  It’s one of the more beautiful installations I’ve ever seen.  When you visit Jurassic Technology, go with an open mind and several hours to kill.

Hollywood Aerial Arts – This joint is a full on circus school.  Kim got heavily into tissue (the long scarves hanging from the ceiling) for a while, as well as acrobatic hoop.  For the more high flying there’s a full trapeze out back.  The couple that run the school are great and will prepare you to abandon your empty life and run away with the carnies.

Rose Bowl Swap Meet - I like to wander through the detris of American culture.  The Rose Bowl Swap Meet is where they go to shop.  This is the granddaddy of Southern California flea markets.  Mr. Hotdog compels you to visit this monthly extravaganza of junk.  Don’t eat at the food stands there.  You’ll sorely regret it.

Kidspace Children’s Museum – Kidspace is a great science museum for the little guys.  Ben can kill hours running around the interactive exhibits.  The area out back, however,  may be the best part of this place.  They have a tricycle race track to zoom around and several water areas.  It doesn’t seem to be explicitly allowed, but Ben and all of the other kids always seem to end up in the creek and pond behind the exhibit hall.  Be sure to bring a towel and change of clothes.  Your kids are going to get wet.  Also bring your own snacks.  The snack bar leaves a lot to be desired.  Kidspace is right next door to the Rose Bowl swap meet if you want to make a big day of it.

Taco Bell Discovery Science Center – I love this place.  Ben and I went there for a few hours yesterday.  Lots of activities, noise, and buttons to press.  It’s a very overstimulating place.  They also have the largest artificial dinosaur turd I’ve ever seen (and you better believe I’m keeping an eye out for this stuff).  Look at how much Ben had here.  The open at 10 and start to get crowded around noon.  Saturday is also way more crowded than Sunday.  Head out there early on Sunday and you’ll have the place to yourself.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fT3PPp0pWs